I just lost control of my anger, and that was the first time I realized, like, PTSD is real. I compare it to somebody getting their back broken and having to learn how to use their legs again. Your emotions are broken, and you have to go through and figure out how to use them again.
Hi, I am Sean. I served in the Army infantry from '93 to '99 and then Oregon National Guard from 2001 to 2007. Well, the reason why I joined the Army is because I wanted something else, you know? And that seemed like it was the only way for me to do something important with my life. Where we were at in Taji, we were the only infantry company there, so we were mortared every single day. And so that was our job to find out who was mortaring us. I was in a lot of firefights, a lot of IEDs, you know, the last one is what broke most the bones on the right side of my body.
I would get riled up at the smallest thing. I would feel so much sadness for stuff, but like big things, my dad died, and I couldn't feel anything. So when I first got back, it was really tough to keep jobs. I was going through school, but also I would go through a crowd in any city, I would list everybody that I saw in order of who's the most dangerous. I would figure out ways how to kill people if they got too close to me. Everybody has an alive day. My alive day's on June 13th, that's when I got blown up and my buddy was killed. I do have a lot of mental problems, you know, coming up to that date. That's tough, but you throw on top of that, that your body physically remembers. I'll feel physical injuries that I hadn't felt for 20 years.
When I first got back it was 2005. Started volunteering at the Vet Center. And what helped me the most was I walked into this woman's office and she was a combat nurse in Vietnam. And I told her, "Well, I like to write stories "and I like to paint, I like to do art." And she said, "Well, why don't you do that?" And so art really saved my life and helping through community helps me. But I do have my vet coffees on Thursdays. We have Afghanistan combat Veterans, we have Iraq War Veterans, we have Vietnam Veterans. You know, I can inspire you and you can inspire me and we can get through this together. That's what these groups are for.
You come home and you have post-traumatic stress, you isolate yourself. When you are that isolated, it's very easy to slip into a suicidal mindset. I was suicidal. I wanted to kill myself. I believed that I was a burden for friends and family. I was just a really rough and angry, broken person. And if I didn't have art, if I didn't have community, if I didn't try to help other people, I wouldn't have made it this far.
I am really lucky to have some great family and my wife and my daughter. I'll tell you that the proudest thing that I've accomplished is by, you know, leading the example and showing other Veterans who have PTSD, showing that they can make it through and have a good life. Veterans are geared to complete missions. They want to help. So ask them to help you with something. Again, making those connections, 'cause being alone is the worst thing that can happen for a Veteran with PTSD. The Veterans need to know how to integrate again as they're releasing you into the wild and you have to figure out how to blend back in. And that is a really difficult thing.
What I want to do by coming here is to let people know that you can not only make it through, but you can live a good life and you can help other people.
